Living in Nigeria in 2015 Was Like Being on a Plane Flown Upside-Down by an Inexperienced Pilot Pleading for More Time to “Change” the Situation - Etcetera
I have been accused of being too negative in my reviews. You have accused me of ignoring the positives and focusing only on the stupid, the tragic, the evil, the disgusting, the fake and lying entertainers.
OK, my critics: I have heard you. I have repented. What better time to turn a new leaf than the beginning of the year. And this year, instead of dwelling on the negatives, let me start off with a list of the Top 10 Good Things That Happened in 2015. Are you ready? Ok, here we go:
Actors Guild of Nigeria finally stopped fighting — “Otito dili Chineke” — Before you scream amen, you may want to note that the reason for the truce might be as a result of the acute shortage of crumbs from the presidency. Just six months after Jonathan left office, the guild’s finance was hit by famine. There has been no free money from the presidency and the beautiful thing is that Buhari’s table is not built to let out crumbs. Ibinabo and co. make una no stop the fight ooo…!
Ermmmmm, ermmmmm, Good lord!! I can’t find another good thing from 2015 for number 2?
OK, let me think and get back to you on Good Things from number 3 down to 10. Hmmmm, 2015 had so many negatives that I am having trouble seeing the positives. Living in Nigeria through the second half of 2015 was like being on a plane flown upside-down by an inexperienced pilot who also had the plane flying tilted to a dangerous angle and with a shaky voice pleading with his passengers for more time to “change” the situation.
Am I saying that 2015 was the worst year ever in Nigeria? Yes I am saying it was worse than 1969, the year that kwashiorkor killed so many people in the country as a result of the civil war.
Yes, I said it. Because back then at least the survivors of the civil war were not exposed to months of which the news media focused only on the question of whether the president will, or will not, appoint his cabinet with each day or make another blunder.
We actually saw it all in 2015. This was the year when our president addressed the German chancellor as the president of West Germany. This was the year when the “lying” epidemic of politicians, which was already horrendous, somehow got even worse. Did Dasuki say President Buhari got two bullet proof cars plus some cool cash from the money he is being charged of embezzling? My question is, when did President Buhari receive this gift from Dasuki? Was it before or after he declared his assets? If it was before, then how come they weren’t included as part of his assets? 2015 was indeed the year of the lying politicians.
Now let me think deeply! What other good thing happened in Nigeria in 2015? Hmmmm ok, I think I have found something.
We didn’t hear much from Tiwa Savage last year. “Oh sorry” she showed us her baby bump. Yes! A baby bump is all we saw from Tiwa last year. Ok, let’s get things straight here, Tiwa in her usual desperate attempt to be in the news wanted us to see her baby through her skin. Madam, we don’t have microscopic eyes naa — and to think that you have resorted to some Michael Jackson sh*t, hiding the same baby from the same public you so desperately wanted to see your swollen stomach is straight-outta dumb.
And as if Tiwa’s baby drama wasn’t bad enough, this was the year Asa chose to do the smelliest collabo of her career with Korede Bello and to crown 2015 as the year of music smellos, Chidinma made it crystal clear to everyone that she no longer needed the bulk of her fan base, chasing them away with the release of one crappy song after another. And why is Chidinma trying so hard to sound like Cynthia Morgan?
Oops!! Did I say Cynthia Morgan? But sincerely, between Jude Engees Okoye and Joy Tongo, whoever took the decision that the “bad-gyal” personality works better for her should have a rethink. Cynthia, you know I love you **wink** – but please leave the nose ring and red hair for Afro Candy.
Hahahahaha where’s Omoni Oboli? The minute Sai baba got sworn into office, premiering movies at the presidential villa went through the window… Aso Rock cinema is now officially closed until further notice. Sai baba nor get time for sme-sme or blue skimpy gowns and heavy makeup. But come to think of it Sister Omoni Oboli, when is your next movie coming out? Or are you still in search of a venue for the premiere? Pen-cinema Agege is available ooo!
At this point, I know you are saying: “Ahan Etcetera! Surely there were some positives from 2015 now! – Ok, maybe Jonathan brought a semblance or something close to democracy with freedom of speech and passing of the Freedom of Information bill into law but before we could start having rational, open-minded conversations about issues concerning the country, BOOOMMM!!! the lawmakers moved to gag social media.
Whoever is suggesting that 2015 was a good year for Nigerians must be high. Yes, you must be very high! And I intend to join you in that ‘highness’ later this evening at my usual joint. But before then, let me take you back to some more hideous realities of 2015.
This was the year the prayers of the chickens, goats, cows and rams got answered as Nigerians couldn’t afford to slaughter them for the festivities. This was the year of the worst Christmas ever for Nigerians.
The picture of former President Goodluck Jonathan kneeling before the Obas asking for their blessing was one of the most embarrassing sights of 2015. Jonathan went into the elections with the worst set of advisers. As president, the Obas are below you. You don’t go kneeling before them for any reason.
Davido and his baby mama brought the year to an epic end with a splendid display of fireworks at the airport. This is exactly the type of shows we see when artists fail to use condoms.