I left my husband. That’s why I don’t wear my ring.
I woke up on my birthday in July and instead of celebrating, I was thinking of ways to die. Our marriage had been in shambles for nearly a year. I think it’s tacky to drag a partner or spouse publicly, so that’s all I have to say about that.
He didn’t beat me. I only mention that because a surprising number of people have asked, and upon hearing he didn’t, have encouraged me to work it out. Apparently being beat on is the only acceptable reason to leave your husband. So what if a woman is perpetually unhappy, keeping a husband is far more important than that.
I chose life. I’m glad I did. I’ve been working on getting to happy. It’s been hard. I’ve been consumed with shame, embarrassment, insecurity and fear. Over the last five months, I’ve been told that having a husband validated me, that he gave me credibility and I will be nothing without him. I’ve been told no one will want me. I’ve been told my career as a life coach, dating/ relationship expert and author is over. Maybe if I had been in a better place, I wouldn’t have believed those things.
I am in a better place now. I decided not to be held hostage by fear and shame, or hurt and regret and anything else that keeps me from living my best life. I decided not to waste my pretty. I go out, and I dress up, and I smile despite what I’m going through. I chant the lyrics to Anthony Brown’s “Worth” on the treadmill. I have a therapist. I read a lot of autobiographies and self-help books. On days I don’t feel good enough, I celebrate someone who I think is. I have friends who ask, “You ok, Sis?” Sometimes yes, sometimes no. There are days I still pull my truck over in the emergency lane and cry.
I wish our marriage could have lasted. To do so would have required me to suffer in silence indefinitely. I tried and failed at that too. I don’t know what all the lessons in this are yet, but I am actively trying to discover them. One thing I’ve (re)learned is the truth of my grandmother’s words, “just keep going”. My world imploded and I faced all my worst fears at once. What I thought would destroy me, did not. I am grateful. #dontwasteyourpretty